Freaking Out - A Side Effect

I took my daughter to her one year pediatrician appointment this week. The doctor declared that all is well, other than the obvious cold she was dealing with. Then she checked her ears. One with some fluid build-up didn't look infected, but the other ear was not so fortunate. I thought, "Great, she's going to prescribe antibiotics and I don't want that to give to her!"

I am super conservative about medical intervention and our doctors work very well with us. The pediatrician admitted that the infection wasn't that bad yet. She resolved to write a prescription for antibiotics and let me watch and wait. Well, two days later, my baby girl was more cranky, sleeping worse and not getting better. My husband and I made the difficult (for us) choice and I headed to Walgreen's to get her drugs.

I sat in my car in the convenient pharmacy drive-thru (only in America) while the pharmacist talked to me through the bullet-proof glass. (Well, it might be bullet-proof. What if a psychotic drug-addict came through with a gun demanding Vicadin? It could happen.) She continued on with a list of obligatory disclaimers, which I calmly nodded to, until she mentioned a possible allergic reaction of difficulty breathing, including wheezing and blue lips. She must have seen my eyes bug out because she immediately tried to reassure me that this reaction was very rare. My eyes must have still been bulging, so she went on to say this would happen within the first 24 hours and again... it is extremely uncommon.

Still having not blinked, with a frozen smile on my face, I reached into the metal box, delivering the drugs through the brick wall under the bullet-proof glass for the gooey pink liquid that might send my daughter into cardiac arrest.

The pharmacist forgot to mention that freaking out is also a side effect, and it is not uncommon.

Somehow, regardless of my terror, I still gave the Amoxicillin to my daughter. She had been crying in the car and pulling at her ear. The pharmacist had assured me, as well as she could, that my baby probably wouldn't die, and I had to believe her.

After putting her to bed, I literally held the baby monitor up to my ear to listen to her breathing. I texted my sister for support and a rational perspective. I started to look up death statistics on the internet until I forced myself to be rational. Actually, it was when I heard her cough and cry a bit a couple of hours later. I could here her breathing and I had to relax.

I did manage to fall asleep around midnight but woke to wheezing sounds in the monitor around 3am. I immediately imagined ambulances and the bright florescent lights of hospital corridors. I went into the baby's room and hovered over her. I felt like a stalker, like she would be terrified if she woke up and saw my shadow towering over her. After five minutes of listening and jostling her a little, I deduced that it was her stuffing nose that was whistling, not her lungs.

It's morning now and she is alive, still pulling at her ear though. I did give her the second dose and her lips are nice an red. I can't say I won't freak out again tonight though, it comes with the job.