God is God

Thursday, I was smacked upside the head with God's sovereignty. 

Almost ten years ago, my sister died of leukemia.  I was very angry and I did not even want to think that God could use this for his purposes, for his glory.  I was too disturbed that something so painful could happen in my life and he could use it for good. 

I've gone through a lot in the last nine and a half years.  And, recently, I'd finally become ready for him to use that portion of my life for his plans.  I was ready to permit him to do this.  How audacious and naive is that?  Low an behold, God didn't need me.

I started to attend a Bible study a few weeks ago out of obedience to God's prompting.  I didn't not expect anyone to know me or anything about my sister.  The third study in, I found out that there were several women in my study that were affected by Sherri's illness and ultimately her death.  One of them, in an extremely personal way.  My sister's husband helped her through a difficult time when she had to endure the death of someone very close.  Her intro into sharing this with me was startling, like mystery being revealed, like God gave her the words that would capture and mystify me with his glory.  She said, "I have to say this.  Before our first Bible study, I knew you."  The realization that we were linked intimately through my sister before we ever met exposed a fragment of God's perfect, intricate ways.

So, here I was thinking that I was finally ready for God to use this tragedy for his purposes. (How gracious of me.)  But he was SOVEREIGN.  He did not need me.  I was smacked upside the head with his sovereignty.  It's as if he said, "It's great that you're going to let me use you now."  (And I am going to let him use me.)  "But I was going to use it anyway, whether you cooperated or not."  You see, he is sovereign and he will work all things together for his good, regardless of me or anyone else.  And I am so thankful for that.  Thank God that it is not up to me being ready.  God is greater than that.

Listen Up!

I need to be a better listener.  I've been working on this for decades.  When I say listening, I don't mean hearing and understanding the words another is saying; I mean hearing another's perspective: one's heart, one's concerns, one's joys... really hearing and listening.

I was reminded of this while reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.  In the words of Dumbledore: "Ah, Harry, how often this happens, even between the best of friends!  Each of us believes that what he has to say is much more important than anything the other might have to contribute."

Lord, help me be a better listener and not believe that what I have to say is more important.

Book Review: Codependent No More

On a recommendation from my mom, I read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.   I read it in hopes of learning how to communicate with some people in my life better, but on the advice of my stepmom, I decided to look at it from the perspective of my own relational flaws as well.  Thanks to my moms, I discovered some key ingredients to being a happier person.

The book was written primarily for people who are regularly involved with alcoholics, drug addicts or people with other severe addictions.  I am not one of those people.  It would seem obvious that I was enlightened about people in my life who have lived through that, and that was defiantly true.  What I did not expect is that I would learn tons about myself.  I would like to submit that this book has something for everyone who has relationships with people.  Unless you are a hermit, deserted on an island or in solitary confinement, this book has something for you.

I learned how to not take things so personally.  Other people do things their way... "let them" (as my beloved sister used to say.)  I don't need to control other people or make everything about me.  I can let go.

I can be free to be me!  Sounds easy, but I still haven't mastered this.  I do now, however, have a new grasp on letting myself fail and being more confident in my own decisions and more comfortable with myself, my strengths and weaknesses.  I am who I am.  I am always going to try to improve my character and live to higher standards than I did previously, but I'm not at the end of my journey yet.  I am still growing and learning.  I am going to cut myself some slack.  I will be okay with where I am at.  I am okay with me.

I can make boundaries and stick to them.  I don't have to be everything to everybody.  It is okay to have boundaries to preserve myself and take care of myself.  I still will care about other people and their needs, but it is okay to take care of myself first so I can be the healthiest person I can be.  That can be a priority, and it should.

I can feel my feelings.  They are my feelings, they are not wrong, they are real.  But I will deal with in an appropriate manner and move on.  I will not let my feelings control my actions.  There is tons more about all of these and other ideas in the book.

All this stuff may sound simple and like no-brainer information, but I think many of us don't execute these things regularly.  Beattie explains things in a way that empowered me to make these things a reality.  I'm happier than I have been in a long time and I plan to stay that way.

If you're looking for a book about having healthy relationships of any kind, read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

Christmas Tree Time

In about a week, my kids and I will venture out to find our 2nd "real" Christmas tree. I can't stop thinking about our experience last year with our first "real" tree.  And so I am inclined to repost last year's musing.  Enjoy!  And... Merry Christmas!

Ornaments of Life - Dody's Daydreams, December 18th, 2009

We've had a fake Christmas tree for 10 years. It was easier when we had three preschoolers. No chasing kids through massive tree lots while my hubby and I bicker over the "right" tree. No falling needles to be eaten and choked on. No forgetting to water the tree because I have laundry and spit-up and diaper rash on the brain.

After the boys got bigger, it was a habit we were in. We have the tree, so why go pay $40 for another one, real or not?

Then came the kittens. The kittens loved to climb and bat at things and play! The Christmas tree became their own private amusement park. We tried to deter them by squirting water at them. That was only a temporary fix. When we slept, they played. Every morning I found misplaced and broken ornaments. Eventually, several branches would accompany the glass shards on the floor. By New Years Day, they had left their permanent mark. The fake tree we had used for 10 years was unrepairable.

This Thanksgiving, my hubby picked up a new fake tree, by my request. However, it just didn't sit right with us. It was time to create a new Christmas tradition. I returned the plastic tree, tightly stuffed into it's box and two weeks later we ventured out into the snowy night to buy a real tree.

The experience was great. No arguing, a warm campfire, a tractor-pulled hayride through the beautiful tree farm. It was perfect.

The next day we erected our gorgeous tree. (I'm certain it was the best one on the lot and only fools came before us, why else was is still there waiting for us?) With three little helpers, it seemed almost magical how quickly the tree transformed. Lights and garland and ornaments were flying onto the tree.

An ornament my son made as a toddler, another that his brother made in pre-school, another that was a gift from my stepmom; "Oh, I love this one." "Grandma bought these for us, one snowman for each of us." "Oh look, a handcrafted angel from Stella!" "Nana helped you make that one." "You made this one with your Aunt Jamie." "Mom, remember these from our old neighbors." "Ahaha... this one is from my sister. I miss her." "Baby's First Christmas, one for each of you."

The memories of our loved ones and past Christmases flooded every open space on the tree. Many of the people from these memories aren't here anymore, but these decorations, these ornaments, these precious trinkets, they represent life. My life, my children's' lives, my relatives lives. This tree may be a living tree, but it wasn't truly brought to life until it was donned with our treasures.

The kids are already planning which ornaments they will take with them when they grow up and move out. The memories will live on with them for years to come.

Maybe I am just more sentimental this year, maybe it's because our tree is living, maybe I am intoxicated by the smell of pine; but I know that I am smitten with this tree that is very much alive.

The Best Mom in the Whole World

Happy Birthday Mom!

My kids tell me I’m the best mom in the whole world. I believe that they really think it is true, but I know the truth... My mom is the best mom in the whole world.

Starting from my earliest memory, my mom’s unconditional love has shone constant, like the sun on the brightest of days. She never backed down from discipline and always expected me to live up to the potential God instilled in me. She has modeled eternal priorities and has never been bashful about her true passion in life… Jesus.

We’ve endured things together. They’ve all been markedly harder for her than me, and I’ve watched her handle, with God’s strength and grace; betrayal & divorce, the early and unexpected death of her beloved father, court battles with my dad, financial hardship, job instability, the death of her first born daughter, the divorces of two other daughters… Yet she has never lost grasp of God’s joy in her.

She is my hero. Yes, she is a real person with many flaws and quirks, but she, aside from God, is most responsible for every good thing in me. My mom is the best mom in the whole world.

Happy Birthday Mom!

I love you with all my heart.

Dedo

I'd Be Lost

I'd be lost without my handy dandy cell phone.  Truly lost.  

It's smudged and chipped.  It's been through many falls.  It almost landed in the lake three weeks ago.  Oh my gosh! I would have died.

(My wallpaper is Grover in a chrysalis. Not a scarf, a chrysalis, as so beautifully done by my 4-year-old God-daughter who recently had her own caterpillars transform into butterflies.)

It's been said that every time a woman has a baby, she loses a quarter of her brain.  I have four kids. Do the math.

Actually, I must be pretty smart to use my phone to compensate for my brain degeneration, though I would argue my brain is just fine and it is the pure chaos of my life that leaves me mentally challenged.

My phone has a calendar.  Each event on the calendar can have a reminder alarm.  I use this on every event in my life.  (To think my calendar used to serve more as a record of the past since I never forgot my appointments.) As an extreme precaution, I even use it for my set work schedule.  When the alarm sounds, my husband will say, "What's that beeping for?" I usually say, "I don't know. I have to check."  It could be anything from "I have to go to work now" to "remember to wash your children's sports uniforms."  

This phone also wakes me up every morning.  I'm all for consolidating gadgets because we have so many possessions in our house with six people living here.  Alarm clock was acting funny. Tossed it.  Use the phone.

My little sister and I  hate talking on the phone, but love sharing random daily happenings from the benign to the intense to the strange.  We text... a lot.  It's how we stay connected and close.  I love my phone for this!

My phone takes crappy pictures.  But, hey, it takes pictures.  You see, I have four kids.  They are adorable and there are always things to take pictures of.  However, I have yet to set an alarm on my phone to remind me to take my camera with me when we go out, so I don't usually have it.  At least I have my phone.

Did I mention it is also my mp3 player?

I'd be lost without my LG.  I love it!

The 8 Question Query (from my baby sis)

My sister recently responded to an 8 question blog request from a friend. She extended the challenge to me, so here goes:

1. What are your top 2 cities in the world? (It's okay if you've never been there!)

London

Moscow

I've been to both cities. Well, mostly London, which I LOVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  My Moscow experience was the airport, a cab ride on the freeway past IKEA to McDonald's, and back to the airport. Does that count?  I want to really see Moscow though.  I am fascinated by Russia and it's history. Such an interesting, artistic culture mixed with success, oppression, pain and brilliance.

2. Are you doing what you love or doing what you have to?
 Yes and no.  I love being a mom and I love my job.  One of my biggest passions lies in worship ministry, which I am not doing.  I have to trust God's timing on that one.  I miss it.

3. Coffee or tea?
Yes!  See T is for Tea.

4. Describe the moment in your life when you felt the most loved.
This question is a little too deep for my generally light-hearted blog.  My God makes me feel the most loved, usually through rough times and intimate moments.  My mom, hubby, sister and children make me feel most loved too.  

5. Who do you think had the single biggest impact on your life so far?
The death of my sister.

6. What song lyrics say exactly what you're feeling right now?
"I hate that stupid old pick-up truck..."

7. Pro sports or college ball?
Dude.  Pro all the way.  Go Packers!

8. What book do you really, really want to see made into a movie?
Hmmm.....   Hmmmm.....  I never really get to the good books until they've already been made into a movie.  I'd love to see The Shack as movie, but it would be impossible to capture.  It would dumb it down to our visual limitations.  Not acceptable.  I guess I'll wait until Heaven...

K is for Kangaroo

Kangaroo Lake, that is.

That is the destination for a much needed vacation. It couldn't have come at a better time. My hubby and I have been so busy we hardly see each other and the kids have noticed we're never together too. We will have one whole week of us all being in the same place at the same time. Lately, one hour of that is a treat, now we'll have over 170 hours of our nuclear family in the same place.

It's beginning to seem like the holy grail! I know we'll all get on each others nerves at some point, but this vacation truly seems like it will provide us all with tank refills. Each family member may have varying needs (emptied tanks), but I predict we will be filling them all with joy, laughter, rest, love, snuggles, fun, recognition, affirmation, attention, calmness....

Kangaroo Lake, her we come. You are our Pu'uhonau.

Confused and Not Amused

My life has been in overdrive for about two weeks now. I've been surviving and coping because of adrenaline and caffeine. And sometimes, just not coping.

I broke down, sobbing while driving to the medical clinic this last week. My mother-in-law sat next to me and was none-the-wiser, though my baby girl, in the back seat, was trying to mimic my strange sounds. She noticed.

My mother-in-law had just finished railing into me, telling me I lie and I am going to hell. It wasn't because she used to ever believe that. We've always had a marvelous relationship. It's because she is confused.

A month ago, her doctor, her neurologist, had finally committed to saying that she has "Onset Alzheimer's." But somehow, since then, she has plummeted into the intermediate stages of it. Out of respect for her, I won't even write about most of her struggle these last few weeks.

Today she was adamant that a picture of her, her husband and my husband and brother-in-law as kids, was none of those such people.

I talk with my kids almost every day about their Naana, trying to help them navigate through this rapid change. They can no longer have a conversation with their grandmother because they lack the maturity to redirect, comfort or make some level of sense out of what she is saying. They are losing their grandmother right in front of my eyes. It is breaking my heart.

My mother-in-law speaks of wishing to die every day. She is losing the ability to care for herself in the most basic ways. It is a stomach-turning, stressful reality. Her sons and I are doing all we can, which at this moment is just doing the next thing (because the bigger picture is so overwhelming.) I've realized we were unprepared in almost every way for such a rapid decline.

Sometimes her sons and I feel so overwhelmed we land in our own moments of confusion. But we are pulling together. We are being forced to practice patience beyond what we thought we were capable of. We are leaning on each other. We are communicating continuously. We are sharing encouragement and support. We are being a family, one step at a time.

Conversations

Queen Latifah was on Good Morning America this morning to talk about her new book. She said her favorite chapter was the one about her mother, a teacher. She went on to share that she has many unrelated brothers and sisters who were students of her mom, because her mom took time to notice these kids and have conversations with them.

Conversations, I will now suggest, are paramount in making a difference in people lives. I imagined these lost students of Queen's mother. Many probably had no one in their lives who cared to hear their thoughts, dreams or ideas. What is more discouraging than having no one in your life that cares to know your heart and soul?

I often have to remind myself to stop multi-tasking and look my boys in the eye to hear their new dreams about writing comic books, running a ranch, joining the Air Force, creating new recipes (like dessert pizzas). If I can't stop to listen to that stuff, why would they ever think I would stop to listen about the kids who's offering them drugs, or the pressure they are getting to have sex, or the deep depression they are facing from rejection.

Conversations reach farther than children too. There are so many adults whose hearts are ignored. Simple conversations that show you are interested in what happens in there lives can go a long, long way in healing a broken spirit.

Here's to really listening to the other broken souls of the world. You have a voice and I will listen.