Listen Up!

I need to be a better listener.  I've been working on this for decades.  When I say listening, I don't mean hearing and understanding the words another is saying; I mean hearing another's perspective: one's heart, one's concerns, one's joys... really hearing and listening.

I was reminded of this while reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.  In the words of Dumbledore: "Ah, Harry, how often this happens, even between the best of friends!  Each of us believes that what he has to say is much more important than anything the other might have to contribute."

Lord, help me be a better listener and not believe that what I have to say is more important.

Book Review: Codependent No More

On a recommendation from my mom, I read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.   I read it in hopes of learning how to communicate with some people in my life better, but on the advice of my stepmom, I decided to look at it from the perspective of my own relational flaws as well.  Thanks to my moms, I discovered some key ingredients to being a happier person.

The book was written primarily for people who are regularly involved with alcoholics, drug addicts or people with other severe addictions.  I am not one of those people.  It would seem obvious that I was enlightened about people in my life who have lived through that, and that was defiantly true.  What I did not expect is that I would learn tons about myself.  I would like to submit that this book has something for everyone who has relationships with people.  Unless you are a hermit, deserted on an island or in solitary confinement, this book has something for you.

I learned how to not take things so personally.  Other people do things their way... "let them" (as my beloved sister used to say.)  I don't need to control other people or make everything about me.  I can let go.

I can be free to be me!  Sounds easy, but I still haven't mastered this.  I do now, however, have a new grasp on letting myself fail and being more confident in my own decisions and more comfortable with myself, my strengths and weaknesses.  I am who I am.  I am always going to try to improve my character and live to higher standards than I did previously, but I'm not at the end of my journey yet.  I am still growing and learning.  I am going to cut myself some slack.  I will be okay with where I am at.  I am okay with me.

I can make boundaries and stick to them.  I don't have to be everything to everybody.  It is okay to have boundaries to preserve myself and take care of myself.  I still will care about other people and their needs, but it is okay to take care of myself first so I can be the healthiest person I can be.  That can be a priority, and it should.

I can feel my feelings.  They are my feelings, they are not wrong, they are real.  But I will deal with in an appropriate manner and move on.  I will not let my feelings control my actions.  There is tons more about all of these and other ideas in the book.

All this stuff may sound simple and like no-brainer information, but I think many of us don't execute these things regularly.  Beattie explains things in a way that empowered me to make these things a reality.  I'm happier than I have been in a long time and I plan to stay that way.

If you're looking for a book about having healthy relationships of any kind, read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

I Don't Belong Here

I've been reading the Harry Potter series.  My son started reading it a year ago and I told him I'd follow along and read it after him.  I haven't been doing that great considering I'm still in Year 3 and he is deep into Year 5.

Anyway, the fact that we are both reading it lets up speak in "Harry Potter" language.  We make up our own spell names and recall funny parts of the book.  It's a way I can connect with him in a world in which he feels like he belongs.

Today when I dropped him off at school, I said, "Here we are... Hogwarts."  Then as I looked around, I corrected myself.  "Oh.  This isn't Hogwarts.  These are all muggles.  This is a muggle school.  Oh no.  You don't belong here."  He immediately retorted, "Nope. I don't."  We smiled and off he went.

It struck me. That feeling.  Ah.  School. Not belonging.  I remember that.  I was just another insignificant person floating through the halls full of clicks and people who were all different from me and didn't get me.  And as I remembered that feeling, I realized that is how my son feels now.  School is a foreign land to him that he must partake in, but his real place, the place he belongs is somewhere else.

Do all kids feel like that in the large public schools or was it just me and him?  How about as adults?  I still feel like that a lot of the time.

There is a verse in the Bible that says our citizenship is in heaven (Phil. 3:20-21).  Maybe this is where we will finally feel like we belong. Until then, we are special, not fully realized people in a restrictive muggle world.

C'est la vie.

The (love) Shack

The Shack is clearly a piece of fiction. I knew going in not to look at it as a theological picture of God, rather one person's artistic interpretation of the Trinity's effect of love and relationship. In that way, it is extremely intriguing and beautiful. It is like a painting that speaks to the soul in ways that logic and words often cannot. It is not an educational experience. It is a journey of the heart. It is a place where reconciliation is introduced in new poetic ways.

In reading The Shack, the reconciliation you explore will depend on your most painful experiences in life. I don't have as much need to reconcile 9/11 or the earthquake in Haiti, for example, as I do the death of my sister 8 years ago, or the absence of a loving father for much of my childhood (due to a premature divorce), or the pain inflicted upon me by the leadership of my church.

The imperfections and pain of relationship cause us to need reconciliation not only with each other, but even more importantly with God. Our own hurt and tragedy is confusing and often seemingly impossible to navigate. We were made in God's image, ready to experience perfect, loving relationships, but the brokenness in this world robs us of it far to frequently.

The Shack opens doors that we may not have known how to open or that they even existed. These doors lead to the first steps of accepting that God is a God of love and acceptance, even when worldly circumstances try to mask this.

Give the book a chance to break down your barriers and let you imagine God for who he really is, and what he really wants to experience with you. Explore the freeing power of forgiveness and love. Visit The (Love) Shack.