Book Review: Codependent No More

On a recommendation from my mom, I read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.   I read it in hopes of learning how to communicate with some people in my life better, but on the advice of my stepmom, I decided to look at it from the perspective of my own relational flaws as well.  Thanks to my moms, I discovered some key ingredients to being a happier person.

The book was written primarily for people who are regularly involved with alcoholics, drug addicts or people with other severe addictions.  I am not one of those people.  It would seem obvious that I was enlightened about people in my life who have lived through that, and that was defiantly true.  What I did not expect is that I would learn tons about myself.  I would like to submit that this book has something for everyone who has relationships with people.  Unless you are a hermit, deserted on an island or in solitary confinement, this book has something for you.

I learned how to not take things so personally.  Other people do things their way... "let them" (as my beloved sister used to say.)  I don't need to control other people or make everything about me.  I can let go.

I can be free to be me!  Sounds easy, but I still haven't mastered this.  I do now, however, have a new grasp on letting myself fail and being more confident in my own decisions and more comfortable with myself, my strengths and weaknesses.  I am who I am.  I am always going to try to improve my character and live to higher standards than I did previously, but I'm not at the end of my journey yet.  I am still growing and learning.  I am going to cut myself some slack.  I will be okay with where I am at.  I am okay with me.

I can make boundaries and stick to them.  I don't have to be everything to everybody.  It is okay to have boundaries to preserve myself and take care of myself.  I still will care about other people and their needs, but it is okay to take care of myself first so I can be the healthiest person I can be.  That can be a priority, and it should.

I can feel my feelings.  They are my feelings, they are not wrong, they are real.  But I will deal with in an appropriate manner and move on.  I will not let my feelings control my actions.  There is tons more about all of these and other ideas in the book.

All this stuff may sound simple and like no-brainer information, but I think many of us don't execute these things regularly.  Beattie explains things in a way that empowered me to make these things a reality.  I'm happier than I have been in a long time and I plan to stay that way.

If you're looking for a book about having healthy relationships of any kind, read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

I'd Be Lost

I'd be lost without my handy dandy cell phone.  Truly lost.  

It's smudged and chipped.  It's been through many falls.  It almost landed in the lake three weeks ago.  Oh my gosh! I would have died.

(My wallpaper is Grover in a chrysalis. Not a scarf, a chrysalis, as so beautifully done by my 4-year-old God-daughter who recently had her own caterpillars transform into butterflies.)

It's been said that every time a woman has a baby, she loses a quarter of her brain.  I have four kids. Do the math.

Actually, I must be pretty smart to use my phone to compensate for my brain degeneration, though I would argue my brain is just fine and it is the pure chaos of my life that leaves me mentally challenged.

My phone has a calendar.  Each event on the calendar can have a reminder alarm.  I use this on every event in my life.  (To think my calendar used to serve more as a record of the past since I never forgot my appointments.) As an extreme precaution, I even use it for my set work schedule.  When the alarm sounds, my husband will say, "What's that beeping for?" I usually say, "I don't know. I have to check."  It could be anything from "I have to go to work now" to "remember to wash your children's sports uniforms."  

This phone also wakes me up every morning.  I'm all for consolidating gadgets because we have so many possessions in our house with six people living here.  Alarm clock was acting funny. Tossed it.  Use the phone.

My little sister and I  hate talking on the phone, but love sharing random daily happenings from the benign to the intense to the strange.  We text... a lot.  It's how we stay connected and close.  I love my phone for this!

My phone takes crappy pictures.  But, hey, it takes pictures.  You see, I have four kids.  They are adorable and there are always things to take pictures of.  However, I have yet to set an alarm on my phone to remind me to take my camera with me when we go out, so I don't usually have it.  At least I have my phone.

Did I mention it is also my mp3 player?

I'd be lost without my LG.  I love it!

K is for Kangaroo

Kangaroo Lake, that is.

That is the destination for a much needed vacation. It couldn't have come at a better time. My hubby and I have been so busy we hardly see each other and the kids have noticed we're never together too. We will have one whole week of us all being in the same place at the same time. Lately, one hour of that is a treat, now we'll have over 170 hours of our nuclear family in the same place.

It's beginning to seem like the holy grail! I know we'll all get on each others nerves at some point, but this vacation truly seems like it will provide us all with tank refills. Each family member may have varying needs (emptied tanks), but I predict we will be filling them all with joy, laughter, rest, love, snuggles, fun, recognition, affirmation, attention, calmness....

Kangaroo Lake, her we come. You are our Pu'uhonau.

Calgon (or in my case - work), Take Me Away

I've been a mom for over 11 years. It is a 24/7 job. Even when I sleep, I am on call. My cell phone is always with me in case there is an emergency at school. My schedule usually revolves around the kids. Most of the things I do when I am at home have to do with them: cleaning, cooking, laundry, organization, communication. It really never stops and it is always revolving. I am ALWAYS a mom, on duty.

I've worked at our personal business out of the home for the whole duration of my motherhood. I'd like to say that has given me something of my own, but it hasn't. It is my husband's business primarily. Even though it has been our family's sole livelihood for 11 years, it has failed to provide any substantial fulfillment or respite for me. Seriously, I can see and hear everything in our house from our office. That is hardly a break.

And now, for the first time in these 11 years, I have a job out of the home. The job does not relate to my husband and it is not 2 feet away from my mothering duties. It takes me away, almost like a Calgon bath.
I keep myself very busy at my new job. I'd hate to say I am really taking a break, because I work hard and try to make sure I am worthwhile to the non-profit organization that has put its trust in me. Still, it is a world of my own, separate from my children and my family. It really feels like a wonderful break.

It's hard for me to figure out why I was ever hesitant to go back to work. Yes, I miss my baby when I am working during the day, and we've had to reorganize how our family accomplishes chores, but the payoff is worth it. I'm not even referring to the paycheck. I am referring to my new identity and respite from the Mom-job that never sleeps.

While at work, I do keep my cell phone in my pocket, just in case my husband has a question or the children have an issue at school, but it's my turf, and I love it.

My Version of Lent

I am not a religious person. I am most definitely driven by faith, but not ritual. My parents were both raised Catholic, but I was not. My faith has been experienced in non-denominational church families, thus, I am not accustomed to practicing lent.

I planned to prepare for this Easter, by watching a movie of the Gospel of John with hubby and boys. We still will. But, I have been a little distracted by life lately and not keyed into any real preparation.

However, just recently, I stumbled into my version of lent through necessity. I had been letting life steal little bits of me here and there while I turned to TV, food and my son's hand-held solitare game (and other such things) for reprieve. Recently, it seems, I have been blind to the damage my vices were slowly causing.

I was getting achy muscles. I couldn't fall asleep at night and couldn't wake up in the morning. I was exhausted all the time, as if a flu virus was looming. Alas, no flu ever came. My body was calling out to me to pay attention.

Finally, I was becoming constantly irritable and my S.O.D. (Sensory Overload Disorder) was in full gear. I've been hear before! Why did I let this creep up again? Where is my focus?

So yesterday, before I reached a break point, I started my own personal lent. (Though it is less about Easter and more about my life focus.) I had taken my eyes off of God. I had let my soul wander to empty distractions and let it spiral out of control. No more! Even if only for a day or two, I'm taking a break from TV. I've nixed coffee and sweets. I've denied myself mindless web-browsing and solitaire games. Each time I want to escape, as I had been, I turn right to God. Some Bible verses here and there, but mostly, in each moment I want to reach for a vice, I talk to God.

This has to do with self-denial only in the manner that it is what drives me to turn to God, giving me more and more cherished moments with him to address worry and hurt and fear, or just a moment to love him, acknowledge him.

The winter doldrums are over and it's time to get healthy again. I'm not just referring to physical health. I am talking about my mind, heart and soul. In all my life, I've never been able to achieve that alone; but when my God is at the center, it is oh, so real.

No Rest for the Weary

I should be sleeping now, but I haven't been good at that for the past few days. There's a lot going on this week; things that have been keeping my mind from resting.

I've been running a business, with my husband, out of our home office for that past 15 years. Each year the business has done better than the previous year, until the economy crashed in 2008. I would have gotten a job outside the home a year ago, to supplement us during this rough patch, but we had a big surprise that postponed that. A baby.

So this week I stumbled upon a highly desireable part-time position with the local city beautification committee. What?! I've been interested in this non-profit organization for years. I don't have a current resume. Get to work!

With the help of my little sister's resources, wit and fabulous writing/editing skills, the resume is ready to be sent out first thing in morning.

Perhaps more responsible for my sleep malady is my mother-in-law. But it's not what you think. Her husband died three years ago. She did alright on her own for a while, but over the last year, her memory has been suffering. It had been slowly declining, but this week, paranoia and confusion took center stage.

These first hand experiences with her are hard to process. They are not peaceful. They are ridden with anxiety for her and me, and her sons. I'm upset and I can't sleep.

I know there comes a time when we all have to take care of our parents, but it's coming early for me and my hubby. We are in our late thirties, but his mom is in her mid-eighties. Our kids are in elementary school and we have a baby. And, I may be starting a part time job. How will we manage this? We don't feel ready for this, but there is no choice.

I will be praying for wisdom and patience for all of us. It's a season of life that we'll have to navigate one step at a time. And the next step for me is sleep. Lights out... I'm hoping for the best.