Strength Unrealized

I used to hear it when I was younger and I used to revel in it. "When I first met you, I was so intimidated." I thought this was fantastic. I must be beautiful and strong; I can keep people at a distance. Strangely, I was content to be unapproachable and seemingly superior. I proudly thought this was what I inherited from my father.

Now I feel ashamed by it, put-off, discouraged. Was this ever who I really was? Likely it was more of a defense mechanism. Now I have to deal with what I created myself to be. I want to work to undo it. But how?

I am tall, and pretty, I'm told. I know that's enough to intimidate those who do not know me. I sing in front of large congregations, I speak to groups of 100 people. That's where I have gifts to share. It's a misjudgement that people who do this sort of thing have it all together, are confident and strong. I may have to work even harder to break through this facade.

Yes, it's a facade. I am insecure and confused. I lack a backbone. I only seem like I have a backbone when I am confused, terrified or hurt and defending my soul.

Yet, successful women are often accused of the same things as me. They are controlling, manipulative, confident, strong-willed. Right? So am I going to destroy success in my life by breaking down my hard shell?

I need real strength, real confidence, and maybe some softness, some warmth. I need to be true to myself and not throw out the good with the bad. Balance, goodness, love, acceptance and strength realized in me. There is still a long journey ahead to unveil the real me. I will press on.