Canon Clicks

I got a new camera, I got a new camera...

Okay, it's actually 2-3 years old. I bought it from a friend who has also been developing her profile as a professional photographer. She is upgrading, so her loss is my gain. And, if this camera was decent enough for her to start her own business, I know it's decent enough for me!

I've wanted a Canon EOS camera for around 15 years, and now I have one. I only have the kit lens and still... looky what I can do....












Loving everything about having this awesome camera.

Yay me!

Calgon (or in my case - work), Take Me Away

I've been a mom for over 11 years. It is a 24/7 job. Even when I sleep, I am on call. My cell phone is always with me in case there is an emergency at school. My schedule usually revolves around the kids. Most of the things I do when I am at home have to do with them: cleaning, cooking, laundry, organization, communication. It really never stops and it is always revolving. I am ALWAYS a mom, on duty.

I've worked at our personal business out of the home for the whole duration of my motherhood. I'd like to say that has given me something of my own, but it hasn't. It is my husband's business primarily. Even though it has been our family's sole livelihood for 11 years, it has failed to provide any substantial fulfillment or respite for me. Seriously, I can see and hear everything in our house from our office. That is hardly a break.

And now, for the first time in these 11 years, I have a job out of the home. The job does not relate to my husband and it is not 2 feet away from my mothering duties. It takes me away, almost like a Calgon bath.
I keep myself very busy at my new job. I'd hate to say I am really taking a break, because I work hard and try to make sure I am worthwhile to the non-profit organization that has put its trust in me. Still, it is a world of my own, separate from my children and my family. It really feels like a wonderful break.

It's hard for me to figure out why I was ever hesitant to go back to work. Yes, I miss my baby when I am working during the day, and we've had to reorganize how our family accomplishes chores, but the payoff is worth it. I'm not even referring to the paycheck. I am referring to my new identity and respite from the Mom-job that never sleeps.

While at work, I do keep my cell phone in my pocket, just in case my husband has a question or the children have an issue at school, but it's my turf, and I love it.

Confused and Not Amused

My life has been in overdrive for about two weeks now. I've been surviving and coping because of adrenaline and caffeine. And sometimes, just not coping.

I broke down, sobbing while driving to the medical clinic this last week. My mother-in-law sat next to me and was none-the-wiser, though my baby girl, in the back seat, was trying to mimic my strange sounds. She noticed.

My mother-in-law had just finished railing into me, telling me I lie and I am going to hell. It wasn't because she used to ever believe that. We've always had a marvelous relationship. It's because she is confused.

A month ago, her doctor, her neurologist, had finally committed to saying that she has "Onset Alzheimer's." But somehow, since then, she has plummeted into the intermediate stages of it. Out of respect for her, I won't even write about most of her struggle these last few weeks.

Today she was adamant that a picture of her, her husband and my husband and brother-in-law as kids, was none of those such people.

I talk with my kids almost every day about their Naana, trying to help them navigate through this rapid change. They can no longer have a conversation with their grandmother because they lack the maturity to redirect, comfort or make some level of sense out of what she is saying. They are losing their grandmother right in front of my eyes. It is breaking my heart.

My mother-in-law speaks of wishing to die every day. She is losing the ability to care for herself in the most basic ways. It is a stomach-turning, stressful reality. Her sons and I are doing all we can, which at this moment is just doing the next thing (because the bigger picture is so overwhelming.) I've realized we were unprepared in almost every way for such a rapid decline.

Sometimes her sons and I feel so overwhelmed we land in our own moments of confusion. But we are pulling together. We are being forced to practice patience beyond what we thought we were capable of. We are leaning on each other. We are communicating continuously. We are sharing encouragement and support. We are being a family, one step at a time.

Conversations

Queen Latifah was on Good Morning America this morning to talk about her new book. She said her favorite chapter was the one about her mother, a teacher. She went on to share that she has many unrelated brothers and sisters who were students of her mom, because her mom took time to notice these kids and have conversations with them.

Conversations, I will now suggest, are paramount in making a difference in people lives. I imagined these lost students of Queen's mother. Many probably had no one in their lives who cared to hear their thoughts, dreams or ideas. What is more discouraging than having no one in your life that cares to know your heart and soul?

I often have to remind myself to stop multi-tasking and look my boys in the eye to hear their new dreams about writing comic books, running a ranch, joining the Air Force, creating new recipes (like dessert pizzas). If I can't stop to listen to that stuff, why would they ever think I would stop to listen about the kids who's offering them drugs, or the pressure they are getting to have sex, or the deep depression they are facing from rejection.

Conversations reach farther than children too. There are so many adults whose hearts are ignored. Simple conversations that show you are interested in what happens in there lives can go a long, long way in healing a broken spirit.

Here's to really listening to the other broken souls of the world. You have a voice and I will listen.

Clean Up! Green Up!

April hosts Arbor Day and Earth Week. That makes for busy, busy days for the community beautification committees of this land (one of which I now work for). Hence, my lack of recent posts and the topic of today.

Our town hosted its own community-wide clean-up event on Saturday. My job was to help facilitate the command post and take pictures. After the official time was over, I went home, and rounded up my kids to hit a parkway that wasn't covered my the morning volunteers. Don't worry, it wasn't slave labor or anything, they practically begged me to go pick up trash.We discovered, just as most of the volunteers had boasted earlier, our town is really clean! We walked (and scootered) for over 45 minutes and filled less than half a trash bag. Still it was a great experience for the kids who definitely have the spirit of community care already. They regularly bring home trash they find on their daily walk home from school. I am so proud.

The next day I was struck with a memory of a my visit to Siberia, Russia a few years ago. We were in a Buryat village for a week, building a playground at a local hospital for children with Tuberculosis, and leading an English camp for many of the local, poverty stricken children. It was heart-wrenching on many levels. And the picture that returned to mind was of the empty lots... filled with trash. There was also garbage in most of the yards and up and down every street.

I don't really have a point here. It is just on my mind. I miss being in Russia and helping in that community, and I am thankful for the wonderful community I live in here.