Book Review: Codependent No More

On a recommendation from my mom, I read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.   I read it in hopes of learning how to communicate with some people in my life better, but on the advice of my stepmom, I decided to look at it from the perspective of my own relational flaws as well.  Thanks to my moms, I discovered some key ingredients to being a happier person.

The book was written primarily for people who are regularly involved with alcoholics, drug addicts or people with other severe addictions.  I am not one of those people.  It would seem obvious that I was enlightened about people in my life who have lived through that, and that was defiantly true.  What I did not expect is that I would learn tons about myself.  I would like to submit that this book has something for everyone who has relationships with people.  Unless you are a hermit, deserted on an island or in solitary confinement, this book has something for you.

I learned how to not take things so personally.  Other people do things their way... "let them" (as my beloved sister used to say.)  I don't need to control other people or make everything about me.  I can let go.

I can be free to be me!  Sounds easy, but I still haven't mastered this.  I do now, however, have a new grasp on letting myself fail and being more confident in my own decisions and more comfortable with myself, my strengths and weaknesses.  I am who I am.  I am always going to try to improve my character and live to higher standards than I did previously, but I'm not at the end of my journey yet.  I am still growing and learning.  I am going to cut myself some slack.  I will be okay with where I am at.  I am okay with me.

I can make boundaries and stick to them.  I don't have to be everything to everybody.  It is okay to have boundaries to preserve myself and take care of myself.  I still will care about other people and their needs, but it is okay to take care of myself first so I can be the healthiest person I can be.  That can be a priority, and it should.

I can feel my feelings.  They are my feelings, they are not wrong, they are real.  But I will deal with in an appropriate manner and move on.  I will not let my feelings control my actions.  There is tons more about all of these and other ideas in the book.

All this stuff may sound simple and like no-brainer information, but I think many of us don't execute these things regularly.  Beattie explains things in a way that empowered me to make these things a reality.  I'm happier than I have been in a long time and I plan to stay that way.

If you're looking for a book about having healthy relationships of any kind, read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

T is for Tea

(That is phonetic fun! Say it out loud: "T is for Tea!" Haha.)

I used to be a tea fanatic. Other than water, tea was my drink of choice. Add a smidgen of honey and I was a happy girl.

Somewhere along the way, sometime after baby number three took over every last minute of my day it was replaced with coffee. Coffee has a way of giving you a swift kick in the rear, while tea calmly boosts or sooths the soul. I didn't have time for tea anymore, I think. (To be honest, I don't even remember the switch, those days are a bit blurry in the recall files.)It's been coffee for many years now, with the occasional tea when I needed a change or a leisurely, cozy drink.

I've been having mild stomach issues lately. Maybe indigestion, nerves or a self-diagnosed stomach ulcer; perhaps h.pylori associated. And, just about everything I read on the ever reliable Internet suggests that caffeine can irritate things. DRAT! Or so I thought.

I was a bit headachey these last two days without my caffeine, but my stomachs been better. And now I find myself longing for my once forgotten cup of tea, with a splash of honey.

Instead of taking coffee to work tomorrow, I will take tea. Green Chai. That's been a favorite for a long time.

Perhaps it is time to introduce my baby girl to tea with Mommy. My boys have all had tea parties and special "tea moments" with me. Sometimes we have all gathered around the table and talked over tea. Other times I've had special one-on-one "tea talks" with my boys.

Tea has been an important part of our family life, which all originated with my Mom sharing her love of tea with me. It's time to regard tea once again.

I is for Introspection

I've been doing that a lot lately.

I see that I have numerous faults. It used to be, when I young, that I was oblivious to most of my character faults. Now, I see so many of them. It can be disconcerting at times.

I am trying to recapture some of my youthful confidence, but this time, without the obstinacy. I am striving for a healthy balance between humility and pride. I want to remember that I am just one human among billions, so maybe not that special, yet unique and unlike any other, therefore valuable in this world.

I will be on a journey of character reformation for as long as I life, and I am determined to not lose momentum.

Running Rules

Remember what I said in my last post about not liking running? Forget about it. Today, I love it!!!!!!!!

Last year I finished my first 5k in 39 minutes, 24 seconds. Today, I crushed that time at a speedy 34 minutes 45 seconds. Nearly 11 minute miles. Oh ya, baby!

I stared the race with a friend who planned to run it in less than 32 minutes, so she bacame my dangling carrot. She was wearing a bright pink shirt and if I could just keep her in my sites, I knew I'd be rockin' that course.

At the 2 mile marker, someone called out the time, "23 minutes!" What?!?!? Never in my wildest dreams! Based on my usual pace I was blowing my usual pace out of the water.

I was very winded and had to take several short walking breaks during the last mile. Still, I knew I was going to beat my time because my pink-shirted friend stayed in my sites until there was only a half mile to go.

I was chatting with a 72 year old woman on the course during the last mile. She kept going while I took a walking break and beat me by a minute. That does not bother me at all. This year, I actually stayed with the pack or runners, even if it was at the back. I felt good, I ran fast... for me.

My husband promised to be at the finish line with our kids. When I hit that home stretch, I knew I'd see them. I found a brand new energy and no longer felt winded. When I saw them, I easily picked up the pace. My baby was saying, "Mama, mama" and pointing at me. My boys were clapping and cheering. My husband was smiling from ear to ear.

After I passed them, I looked to the finish line and the race clock. Another "What?" moment occurred. It was 34 minutes and 20-something seconds. Holy cow! I knew I could break 35 minutes. I suddenly was able to sprint to the finish.

That was an amazing experience. I feel so satisfied. I can't wait to run again. I love running!

Running Realism

I am a runner. I run. I didn't used to be. Specifically, I was not a runner until one fateful Christmas when my sister and I thought of the brilliant idea of running a 5k together. I bought new shoes (a month later) and I started to run.

It was a lot harder than I thought. I didn't really like it, but I had a goal... the 5k in June. My sister would be home for summer break and we would complete our first 5k race, side by side.

By May, I was able to run for 20 minutes straight as I pondered the positive home pregnancy test from that morning. Even thought I had doctor clearance, the baby soon took over my body and the 5k plan was "right out!"

Somehow I revived the goal and trained enough t0 complete my first 5k less than 5 months after the baby was born. I was by far the slowest runner at 39+ minutes (half way through the race, all runners were so far ahead of me, they were out of sight), but I never walked.

This year, carrying 15 less pounds and fully recovered from pregnancy, I was certain I would blast that slow time out of the water. Well, the race is tomorrow, and in the last 2 months, I've run, let's see, 1, 2, 3, 4... ya, that's it, four times. Three of which were in the last week. Now I just hope to run the whole thing. Who cares about the time?

Here's the weirdest part of the whole thing. I don't really like running very much. After the first 10 minutes, I don't like how I feel when I run. My right hip always hurts for days after and it causes sciatic pain to flare up on my left side. Plus, there's the toe pain and the headaches.

I'm not complaining. I don't have to run. I know that. I've just been trying to figure out why I do it. I think to me it has to do with pushing myself. Running represents me taking ownership of my body, my mind, my soul and pushing all aspects of me to be more capable than I thought possible, healthier than before, stronger and more determined.

Pushing through something unpleasant for all the positive effects is something very important to me these last few years, and especially now. So, I will keep running, certainly not because I like it, but because it is one of the most positive influences in my life these days.

I am a runner. I run.

Confused and Not Amused

My life has been in overdrive for about two weeks now. I've been surviving and coping because of adrenaline and caffeine. And sometimes, just not coping.

I broke down, sobbing while driving to the medical clinic this last week. My mother-in-law sat next to me and was none-the-wiser, though my baby girl, in the back seat, was trying to mimic my strange sounds. She noticed.

My mother-in-law had just finished railing into me, telling me I lie and I am going to hell. It wasn't because she used to ever believe that. We've always had a marvelous relationship. It's because she is confused.

A month ago, her doctor, her neurologist, had finally committed to saying that she has "Onset Alzheimer's." But somehow, since then, she has plummeted into the intermediate stages of it. Out of respect for her, I won't even write about most of her struggle these last few weeks.

Today she was adamant that a picture of her, her husband and my husband and brother-in-law as kids, was none of those such people.

I talk with my kids almost every day about their Naana, trying to help them navigate through this rapid change. They can no longer have a conversation with their grandmother because they lack the maturity to redirect, comfort or make some level of sense out of what she is saying. They are losing their grandmother right in front of my eyes. It is breaking my heart.

My mother-in-law speaks of wishing to die every day. She is losing the ability to care for herself in the most basic ways. It is a stomach-turning, stressful reality. Her sons and I are doing all we can, which at this moment is just doing the next thing (because the bigger picture is so overwhelming.) I've realized we were unprepared in almost every way for such a rapid decline.

Sometimes her sons and I feel so overwhelmed we land in our own moments of confusion. But we are pulling together. We are being forced to practice patience beyond what we thought we were capable of. We are leaning on each other. We are communicating continuously. We are sharing encouragement and support. We are being a family, one step at a time.

My Version of Lent

I am not a religious person. I am most definitely driven by faith, but not ritual. My parents were both raised Catholic, but I was not. My faith has been experienced in non-denominational church families, thus, I am not accustomed to practicing lent.

I planned to prepare for this Easter, by watching a movie of the Gospel of John with hubby and boys. We still will. But, I have been a little distracted by life lately and not keyed into any real preparation.

However, just recently, I stumbled into my version of lent through necessity. I had been letting life steal little bits of me here and there while I turned to TV, food and my son's hand-held solitare game (and other such things) for reprieve. Recently, it seems, I have been blind to the damage my vices were slowly causing.

I was getting achy muscles. I couldn't fall asleep at night and couldn't wake up in the morning. I was exhausted all the time, as if a flu virus was looming. Alas, no flu ever came. My body was calling out to me to pay attention.

Finally, I was becoming constantly irritable and my S.O.D. (Sensory Overload Disorder) was in full gear. I've been hear before! Why did I let this creep up again? Where is my focus?

So yesterday, before I reached a break point, I started my own personal lent. (Though it is less about Easter and more about my life focus.) I had taken my eyes off of God. I had let my soul wander to empty distractions and let it spiral out of control. No more! Even if only for a day or two, I'm taking a break from TV. I've nixed coffee and sweets. I've denied myself mindless web-browsing and solitaire games. Each time I want to escape, as I had been, I turn right to God. Some Bible verses here and there, but mostly, in each moment I want to reach for a vice, I talk to God.

This has to do with self-denial only in the manner that it is what drives me to turn to God, giving me more and more cherished moments with him to address worry and hurt and fear, or just a moment to love him, acknowledge him.

The winter doldrums are over and it's time to get healthy again. I'm not just referring to physical health. I am talking about my mind, heart and soul. In all my life, I've never been able to achieve that alone; but when my God is at the center, it is oh, so real.